I was about to post this

on instagram

The one who did not make it

We found out about you somewhere in mid-March. We were overjoyed because we’ve been waiting for you for 15 months. We waited until the weekend before we went to see the doctor. It was still too small, just a small sac but doctor said you were there. 

On 13th April, we went for check-up again before we fly off to Taiwan. I have endured 2 weeks of morning sickness and food aversion. I never knew I could hate food. Despite all that, we were excited to see you. It was then when doctor told us that you were not growing. She told us to take you out so that we can travel without worries.

We didn’t. We refused to believe until the second doctor confirmed the same. We went to Taiwan with the empty sac in my womb. 

We came back and decided to remove it. Today marks one month since we had to make that choice.

I never knew I could do this. Through this, I realised that I too can be strong. I was terrified, not knowing what to expect and also not knowing why this happen to me. But through this I learnt that I am actually much stronger than I think. We pray that the next one will be a strong one and perhaps one with lesser food aversion.

Because I did D&C, it happened so quickly and without pain that it sometimes feels like just a bad dream. I decided to post this so that we can grieve openly and move on from this. I want to remember that this happened and we came out of it together. 

I didn’t cause I have students in there and I’m not ready for my colleagues or those in my company to find out about it.

Thank God for blogspot.

I’ll hide in here at the meantime.

A week post D&C

I am blessed with mother and sister who cooked for me for a week. I stayed at their place for a week to recuperate. My mum did not allow me to carry heavy things or do anything at all. They'll still cook for me for another week cause they want me to eat more ginger for another week.

I love my mum and sister's cooking so I walloped a lot. Back to home after a week and will start work tomorrow. Feels like forever since I last worked. Semester is starting next week as well but it's not a very hectic semester so I'm okay.

My inlaws came to visit as well soon after my D&C just to make sure I'm okay. I feel so bad to put them through this disappointment but it's not within my control. So there's nothing I could've done better. May we bring more good news soon.

D&C Procedure

Since the miscarriage did not happen naturally, not even after a week of travelling in Taiwan, we decided to do it. More like I decided to do it.

It was scary for me because I've not had any procedures done at all in my life.
After living for 30 years,

• I had my first blood test (and did it twice in the span of two weeks)
• worn the hospital robe
• sat on wheelchair
• was wheeled to the operation theater
• was given GA
• slept through the entire procedure and
• slept on the hospital bed, as a patient, not as a visitor.

It was then I realised how scary it was. My grandmother had to stay at the hospital several times and I was always the visitor, lying on her bed, eating her food.

I thank God for the skillful nurses cause all the needles felt like ant bites so far.

The procedure cost about RM2.2k in a whole and I did it in Island Hospital. I enquired Adventist but they said somewhere around RM3.5k so we went ahead with Island in the end.

The procedure was painless (cause I fell asleep like 1/2 seconds after the GA was administered. The ride there was scarier.

I did not experience much discomfort except for cramps after the procedure. It was only one day for me. I was able to go to toilet, laugh and talk immediately after coming out from the OT. I think the dosage wasn't high so I was able to recover quickly. I was shivering in there for say 30 seconds before they put in the GA and then I KO-ed.

All in all, I thank God for the smooth procedure and the ability to pay for it. I also thank God for my sister and mother for taking care of me and making sure I eat well for the past 5 days. My husband has to run around packing my stuff and just being there for me.

The procedure is over and now we are on the road of recovering and hopefully babychong #2 will come soon.